When giving feedback, we are always encouraged not to surprise the person to whom we are giving feedback.
At the best of times, to be on the receiving end of feedback, whether positive or negative, can produce a defensive reaction. This reaction can be stronger if the feedback is not handled sensitively. And if the feedback is unexpected, the defensive reaction can be strongest of all. It would be an understatement to say that slamming someone with unexpected negative feedback at a performance review is bad practice. It is inexcusable.
So how can unexpected feedback be a gift?
When it raises your awareness of your behavior and the manner with which you do things.
One day, when in his teens, our second son said to me with some frustration, “Whenever you start something with, ‘One of the things…’ I know I’m going to get a lecture.” I was always the helpful consultant wanting to fix – even when the fix wasn’t invited let alone wanted! I tried to eradicate this particular verbal routine from my repertoire going forward. And I still try to remember to ask permission before I give ‘helpful’ suggestions to any of our kids.
Same son coming home from school on the underground with some of his friends. They were laughing and telling jokes. He was accosted by a homeless woman. “Baby Jesus thinks you’re a whore!” she told him and then walked off. At home, he told us the story. He was really quite upset. Although he knew not to take the comment personally, it was directed at him and it felt mean. As ‘bad’ parents with a warped sense of humour, we just tried not to laugh. But it was a wake up call for him to see how others could perceive him. Sometime later, he said that he realized that he and his friends were being obnoxious, entitled kids. To this day, he is one of the most respectful and caring people you could meet. And the story has become part of our family’s lore!
Unexpected feedback can also correct a misapprehension.
More recently, my partner left a leadership role as President of the Parent Group at the elementary school our daughter had attended for 9 years – much longer than many jobs. She was not sure whether her efforts had been valued – whether all the time she had given had been worth it.
It took a child to reassure her. 11 year old Siena was asked to write about someone who was admirable. Here is what she wrote:
“A person who is very admirable is Antoinette Raymond. She is generous with her time. She is funny and smart. She is kind and patient.
Antoinette is very generous with her time. She volunteers and she is creative. I saw her a lot at school, because she was usually head of the parent group. She ran most of the events that were at school and if she wasn’t running them, then she was one of the top volunteers.
She is funny and brings out the best in people. She makes me laugh a lot when I see her. When she’s in a group of people, that group is happy she’s there. She’s also very smart. So smart in fact that some companies pay her to teach them how to do their job better.
And Antoinette is kid and patient. She has known me since I was 18 months old and was nice to me even when I went through a period when I ignored her. When I was done with that period, she was right there waiting with a hug.
In conclusion, Antoinette is very smart, kind and funny person, who is generous with her time. If there were more Antoinettes in the world that would just be creepy, but if more people were like Antoinette, the world would be a better place.”
And this was written a year and a half after we had left the school.
My partner definitely felt valued. It was definitely unexpected feedback…. and definitely a gift!
